Celebrating New Year's has always been one of my favourite holidays. When I was little, the excitement of being allowed to stay up late and sip on some fake bubbly was EVERYTHING. On December 31st, I would wake up excited, and that would only build as the hours ticked past. It would all culminate in an insane explosion of screams, laughs, and smiles, as we counted down that final minute before the new year came rushing in. One year, as we started counting down "10! 9! 8!..." I screamed out "I'm going to pee myself!", but it was the happiest, most joyful close-call of incontinence ever. When I was little, I didn't even know what the hell I was so excited for - but I lived for the gatherings with loved ones, the celebration, and the knowledge that I was letting go of what was and wading in the delicious anticipation of what would be. I was a reflective child who grew into a reflective woman - and here I am today, straddling that line between old, known experiences and the mysteries of the new and unseen.
Last year on the blog, I did my 2011 wrap-up in point form, broken down into life category and highs/lows. I knew in my heart that there was no way I'd be able to use that same format to reflect on 2012. To be quite honest (while hopefully not sounding like too much of a Debbie Downer), 2012 was not a good year. If I keep it all the way funky, it was probably one of the worst years on record in the history of Bee. However - through all the struggles, I really learned what it meant to get the lessons out of all the bullsh*t. This year was like a surprise exam I was forced to take, where all of the questions were in languages I couldn't understand, and I had no opportunity to study. To know that I made it to the end of 2012 in one piece means that I won - so today, I celebrate that.
At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, the theme of my 2012 was betrayal. Whether it was the betrayal of my own body turning against me health-wise, or some of the people closest to me being active and deliberate in their betrayal of my trust, eye-opening let-downs seemed to be at every turn. I usually love surprises, but the ones I received this year were not on my wishlist. I constantly found myself saying:
"She did WHAT?"
"He said WHAT?"
"The test results were WHAT?"
In the face of it all, I did my best to just keep calm and carry on, but I'd be a damn lie if I tried to act like certain circumstances didn't leave me feeling torn apart. However, as corny as it sounds, the sun HAS to come out no matter how long it rains. A number of positive things happened this year too.
I stepped up my writing/freelance game, and got paid for my words. I attended Blogging While Brown and learned to invest in myself and '83 To Infinity. I had people seek me out for speaking engagements, and worked on my fear of public speaking. I learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with going the distance to take care of yourself or the people you love. I learned that I'm stronger than I realized, and that I can choose to sit in a corner and lick my wounds, or I can wear them proudly as the marks of a warrior.
Like I said earlier, 2012's theme was betrayal. I learned that anything is possible, in a negative way. For 2013, I'm armed with my vision board and clear goals - but I'm flipping the themes of 2012 into positive ones for the new year. Betrayal will turn into trust - most importantly, trust in myself. I'm telling myself that I can do it, I can go there, I can make the right decisions. If those decisions mean cutting loose the people who've betrayed and the situations that have caused me to 2nd guess myself, I trust that Bee knows what the hell she's doing. And yes - in 2013, the "anything is possible" meme will continue, but in a positive light. As I wrote in a previous post, "thoughts become things", so I will make it my mission to set my mind onto the positive and manifest my wildest dreams into reality.
Tonight, I plan on reliving that same childlike excitement I held for New Year's Eve as I did in the past. The bubbly will be real, but the emotions will be nearly the same. Little Bee didn't know what the hell she was so excited for, but present-day Bee knows that her anticipation for the future lies in the realization that she has made it through everything that has passed. Cheers to the lessons we've learned and all the blessings that are to come - and as always, THANK YOU to my readers/supporters/friends for being there with me, whether you knew it or not, through every step of 2012.
We made it, y'all. If for no other reason, let's celebrate that.
Happy New Year to you all! How was your 2012? What are you looking forward to in 2013? And whatchu gettin' into tonight? Whatever it is, I hope it will be safe, fun, and full of joy!